Can't we talk about something more PLEASANT? by Roz Chast

Can't we talk about something more PLEASANT?

by Roz Chast

nonfiction 2014

finished 7/19/15

I’ve read quite a few books in my life, and Can’t we talk about something more PLEASANT? is one of the very best. Part way through the book, I told Tom ‘one of the top ten best books I've read.’ You may ask, how can that be? How can I so love a book that is about a very difficult subject - the aging and ultimate death of one’s parents? And about a family that is quite dysfunctional. Under the author’s name on the cover are the words ‘A Memoir.’ And it is. Not just the story of her parents' declining years, but much about herself. I was shocked when she wrote that she had not visited her parents in a long time. But then again, I know adults who stay away from visiting their folks as much as possible.

From 1990 to 2001, I had not set foot in Brooklyn ONCE. Denial, avoidance, selfishness, laziness, and the day-to-day busyness of my life (two little kids! cartoon deadlines! grocery shopping!) were all partly to blame. But really, I just didn’t want to.

She feels an ‘intense need’ to go out to Brooklyn and visit her parents two days before the Towers were hit. 

We then follow her life for eight years. They aren’t easy years, and both the author and the reader know what the outcome will be. She is unflinchingly honest about what happens and her responses. It takes a brave person to admit to herself and to the world that she wasn’t always feeling or acting that kindly toward these old people. But that is the reality. Your parents are still your parents even if they are aging and dying, and Roz’ feelings toward them, particularly her mother, haven't changed.  

I think it is very important that she wrote this book. We are all so used to hearing about children who do everything for their parents, and parents being so grateful. Those are the good stories. I think Roz’ reactions are more real, and this book can help adult children of dying parents who may hate themselves for even thinking about money, for example. The fact is that many people in this country lose their whole life savings to nursing home care. This is a huge problem and will only get worse as those people born between 1946 and 1964 get older. 

Roz Chast has a page where she suggests that at the end, there should be 

something to look forward to. 

Something more pleasure-oriented. Perhaps opium, or heroin. So you become addicted. So what? All-you-can-eat ice cream parlors for the extremely aged. Big art picture books and music. Extreme palliative care, for when you’ve had it with everything else: the x-rays, the MRI, the boring food, and the pills that don’t do anything at all. Would that be so bad?

People tend to be so sanctimonious with the aged. Everyone ‘knows’ what is best for them. Why shouldn’t they (we) do just as they damn please at the end of their lives if they are still able? Start smoking those much-missed cigarettes. Eat as many french fries as you want. Drink cocktails all day long if you want. Maybe then you could die at home of a nice, quick heart attack and save your family the intense stress. I hope I do. 

After some time, her parents leave their apartment, with only overnight bags, on a trip to check out a facility near Roz’ home. They never go back. And it is up to Roz, the only child, to go through everything. She takes photos of the fridge and the medicine cabinet and the rooms. Photos that made me shudder. It makes the author take stock of all the stuff in her own home. 

Can you imagine going through rooms like this? 

She shows us what she keeps out of all that stuff.

The title of course refers to the author’s particular situation, but isn’t it the big subject none of us really wants to face, let alone talk about? Some people are incredibly cool about it, and prepared for it. Like Tom’s mum. For as long as I can remember she has occasionally send us her information - where important papers are, names and addresses of banks, etc., where she wants to be buried. Every single thing that most of us shrink away from, she faces with steadfastness and even humor. She sent us all little metal ducks that open so each child could have a place to put some of her ashes. I’m trying to model myself after her. (I got her permission to write about this here in my letters).

I could go on and on about this brilliant, necessary book. Perhaps surprisingly, it didn’t make me sad. In fact, there were some very funny parts. When her mother's mind deteriorates, she starts telling Roz outlandish stories. These are about her mother-in-law.

I think I may move Can't we talk about something more PLEASANT? up to one of my top four, sharing the honors with Gatsby and Mrs. Dalloway and something by Wodehouse. 

I know my friend Les didn't care for this book, at all, (you may read her review here) and I really understand her reasons, but I've seen too many families like Roz Chast's, and I think she has given all of them a great gift. The gift of knowing that other children feel angry, annoyed, and pretty selfish sometimes when it comes to taking care of their older parents.

There’s an interview you may listen to here.

Three Books by Heather Lende

If You Lived Here, I'd Know Your Name

by Heather Lende

nonfiction 2005

finished 6/19/15

Take Good Care of the Garden and the Dogs

by Heather Lende

nonfiction 2010

finished 7/11/15

Find the Good

by Heather Lende

nonfiction 2015

finished 7/13/15

I recently bought a laminated map of the US, and when it came I realized I didn’t have a wall that could hold it so I came up with the idea to put it in a corner of the laundry room. 

While I was reading Heather Lende’s three books, I would every day look at Haines, Alaska on that map.

Whitehorse, Canada is about 260 miles away which you may drive to, unless the winter snow has closed the road. To get to Juneau, which has no road going in or out, and is 90 miles away, you must take a ferry or an airplane, neither of which can be relied upon if the weather is bad. In good weather, the ferry takes 4 1/2 hours. When Heather Lende was injured badly in a bicycle accident (Take Good Care of the Garden and the Dogs), she had to be flown to Seattle, almost 1000 miles away. In the first book If You Lived Here, I’d Know Your Name, the author says that babies are no longer delivered in Haines. There aren't facilities to cope with any problems that could arise. The doctor who delivered her oldest child, says that particular birth was “the 'perfect example' of why he’d quit obstetrics. 'If things hadn’t gone right …’ he began. 'Healthy women who are well prepared can and do have catastrophes. It really isn’t safe. I loved delivering babies, Those were wonderful, almost home births (in a clinic), but I hated being so apprehensive, doing acrobatics without a net.’“

So, you get the picture. This little town of a couple thousand people is, as they say, off the beaten path. I feel that it takes a certain kind of person to live there. People who come from Chicago or New York City, may think that I live in a rural, isolated place, but there are hospitals in all the nearby towns, and a major hospital (where Hazel Nina was born) about 2 hours away by car. I love country life, but I could not live in Haines. Nor could I live on an island. I wouldn’t want to be dependent on a boat or a plane in an emergency, or even just to take class trips. As a vegetarian I would have a hard time with the deeply ingrained fishing and hunting. I know it goes on around me, but it isn’t quite so much a part of the culture as it is there.

That said, Heather Lende presents Haines as a wonderful place to live. A place where there are conflicting political and religious views, but a place so small and isolated that the residents work at getting along no matter what. You may intensely disagree with someone, but you still sing next to them in a choir. In the first book, we learn about the town, through Heather’s obituaries. She is the obituary writer for the local paper, and when someone dies, she goes to their home and sits and talks (mostly listens) to the family as they tell her the facts and the stories about that person’s life. These obituaries are works of poetry. She also works for the Hospice program, and has cared for some of the people as they depart this life. 

It seems to me that lots of people are able to live their lives without thinking much about death. Heather isn’t one of them, as she couldn’t be, doing the work she does. In some ways, it probably gives her a deeper appreciation of life. But it isn’t always easy for those of us who are pretty aware all the time that ‘in the midst of life we are in death.’ Those words come from The Book Of Common Prayer, which is used in the Episcopal Church in which I grew up. Heather Lende is also an Episcopalian, belonging to a little tiny church where there are sometimes a dozen at a service. Although I don’t attend church now, the Episcopal Church is part of me. I loved how the author incorporates the words in the prayer book and hymns into her writing. If you aren’t Episcopalian, you won’t be offended by her writing. She isn’t ‘preachy.’ 

I think that in any fishing community there is an acute awareness of death. Drownings are common, and they are so very sad. We learn in the first book that one of six children was drowned. In the second book, we see his brother getting married, and the man who does the service is the man who saved him that day his brother died. 

But, though there is a bit of an elegiac feeling (and how could there not be?), the books themselves show the deep, deep joys of life; the kindness of people, the neighborliness in a small town, the fun they have, the love of family. Every book uplifted me. I first heard of Heather Lende three years ago in a blog posting written by Les. Please do read it here. I knew then that I wanted to read everything the author has written, and will write. Her writing is conversational, earnest, kindly. She writes a blog which you may visit here. And she is on Facebook. I ‘liked’ her so I get to have little visits to Haines very often. 

The three books are all five years apart so that we see her children grow up and grandchildren come into the world. I read them one after the other, and was in a bit of reading heaven for the time I was within their pages. The first book tells of the townspeople through (mainly) the obituaries. The second one is about the kindness of the people of Haines when the author has her terrible accident. And the title of the third Find the Good says it all - about the books and the author. I am so fond of Heather Lende and her writing that I could almost, almost live in Haines. 

You may see some gorgeous photographs of Haines here. It is unbelievably beautiful there.

Today's song/Hold On Tight by Greg Holden

This is the best song and video! Great message.

In the hours before Indy Thomas was born

On Tuesday, we took care of Campbell Walker while Estée was in labor. He was here from about noon until after 9 pm when Tom drove him to a town halfway between our house and his, where Estée’s mum picked him up and brought him home, as he slept all the way. 

He had a big, big day. Matt was on vacation so he and Hazel Nina were up here most of the day. Our cousins were visiting from Arkansas and they came by in the late afternoon. Some local friends brought supper, Margaret came after work, Matt’s mum was here, and we had a grand get-together. Later we found out that Indy had been born while most everyone was still here. Tom and I took lots of pictures that day, so here is the way the world looked at Grammy and Grampy’s in the hours leading up to the little fellow’s arrival.

Grammy and Grandson

Cousins choosing a cookbook

A little lunch conversation

We had bought a bouncy house a while ago, but wanted to wait and set it up when both cousins were here. Today was that day! It is a blast. It holds up to 250 pounds so the adults can enjoy it, also.

At first Campbell was more interested in the motor than the actual house.

But later in the day, he discovered how much he loved it, especially the slide!

Taken through the netting, but you can see the fun they were having (including the other 'kid').

Earlier in the day, we took a cart ride. Tired little ones.

I told some friends that if were 100, I would look back upon this day as the most perfect in my life. And when I said my prayer of thanks, I called it a Holy Day.

Indy Thomas, our new grandson!!

Indy Thomas was born the evening of July 7, weighing almost 9 pounds!  It was a home birth, and it went wonderfully. We visited yesterday and Mama Estée (our son Michael's fiancée) and baby are doing just fine. Our cup runneth over.

Today's picture/ Labs love water!

Lucy's favorite spot!

Quote du jour/Taylor Goldsmith

... stepping into the evening is the time to praise the day.
Taylor Goldsmith
song - Waiting For Your Call
album - All Your Favorite Bands
band - Dawes

Hazel Nina and The Littles

Have you ever read any of the books in The Littles series by John Peterson? They were a big hit with my kids, and I still have their childhood copies. Early in January, when Hazel Nina was 13 months old, I took the first in the series off the shelf and thought we’d read it to her at nap time. 

Her crib is in the bedroom, so when she begins getting sleepy we go upstairs and pile on the big bed having a quiet time with stuffed animals and books. Tom and I take turns reading, and then I sing her the old Pat Boone song, April Love, as she nods off. This began when she was a very little baby. I had bought the song on iTunes ages ago, and happened to play it one day downstairs when I was holding her. She fell right asleep in my arms. It happened again and again, as we all shook our heads in wonder. I’ve thought of messaging Mr. Boone on his Facebook page and telling him that he has new fan. 

Anyhow, she was quite enthralled with The Littles. She peered at the cover and illustrations with great interest. We’d read a little bit each day, and when it was finished, went on to The Littles Take a Trip. Hazel had the same fascination with this book. 

February 24

When we began The Littles Give a Party her enthusiasm for the series took on a new intensity.

March 10

April 2

May 22

We got to chapter 8, and have proceeded no further. She takes the book away and won’t give it back. She studies it and ‘reads’ it. Her little babbling voice is so sweet and completely different from the sounds she usually makes.

June 12

The other day she tore the cover off, hugged it to her face, and gave it a little kiss. What on earth is it about this book that so captures her imagination? We’ll never know, and I guess I just have to read the book on my own to find out if Granny Little ever gets her 80th birthday party! 

Introducing Lucy the Labrador!

I wrote in March about the death of our beloved Sadie. The weeks since have been very sad and lonesome. We haven't been without a dog in our lives since 1973. I began looking around for a pup and found a breeder of Labrador Retrievers less than an hour away, and she had one little yellow male pup available for July. We sent a deposit and looked forward happily to next month. And then a couple days later, the breeder posted on Facebook that someone had returned an 8-month old spayed female yellow Lab because of a change in their work situation, and she was available right now! Well, you probably can guess what we did. Yup. Drove over on Saturday and picked up this adorable, sweet-natured girl.

Her name is Lucy, which pleases us because we used to have a Belgian Sheepdog named Lucy when the kids were little. She is working out very well and is great with Hazel Nina.

I think Tom's laughter in this picture expresses the happiness we feel.

And here she is, laying at my feet under the computer desk as I write.

Today's poem by William Butler Yeats

As I was watching the movie of 84, Charing Cross Road, I heard this, and thought I would share it here in my letters. So lovely.

Aedh Wishes for The Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths 

Of night and light and the half-light;

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W. B. Yeats (1865-1939) 

Quote du jour - Lucy Maud Montgomery

I wonder what it would be like to live in a world where it was always June.  

Lucy Maud Montgomery

A spring evening

I'm not sure there is anything quite as wonderful as a spring evening, with all the windows open and a temperature of 70 degrees and the air full of the sounds of peepers and tree frogs.

Rhubarb Crumb Bars

It’s rhubarb season!! Although most people use a knife, I go out with my trusty little Fiskars garden shears and cut it. 

This recipe comes from one I found on Martha Stewart’s page. 

Rhubarb Crumb Bars

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease 8x8 or 9-inch round pan with cooking spray.

Streusel:

6 tablespoons melted butter

1/2 cup sugar

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 cup flour

Whisk together butter, sugar, and salt. Add flour and mix with a fork until large crumbs form. 

Cake:

Mix: 1/2 pound rhubarb, cut into 1/2-inch pieces 

with 1 tablespoon sugar and 1/4 cup flour.

In another bowl mix: 

3/4 cup flour

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

In the electric mixer mix:

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, room temperature

1 cup confectioners' sugar

2 large eggs

1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

turn down speed and add the flour mixture.

Spread batter in prepared pan

Sprinkle with rhubarb 

and top with streusel

Bake until golden and a toothpick inserted in center comes out with moist crumbs attached, 45 to 50 minutes. 

This was really great! You could substitute strawberries for some of the rhubarb, but this first time I wanted to try it with just rhubarb. You may top it with vanilla ice cream or whipped cream, if you wish. I am amazed at how very many rhubarb recipes there are, and a fair few of them may be found under the 'recipes' tab! 

Lots more foodie subjects at Weekend Cooking.

Today's Poem by Robert Frost

Spring Pools

These pools that, though in forests, still reflect

The total sky almost without defect,

And like the flowers beside them, chill and shiver,

Will like the flowers beside them soon be gone,

And yet not out by any brook or river,

But up by roots to bring dark foliage on. 

The trees that have it in their pent-up buds

To darken nature and be summer woods -

Let them think twice before they use their powers

To blot out and drink up and sweep away

These flowery waters and these watery flowers

From snow that melted only yesterday. 

Robert Frost

photo taken by Tom on April 28

One year old today!

Here is Campbell Walker at his birthday party on Sunday. The theme was Where The Wild Things Are. He stayed dressed in his Max outfit for about a minute!